6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.
7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...
8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.
9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.
10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.
In the past 10 years, I’ve realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I’m most grateful to have unlearned:
1. Problems are bad. You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems—comment se dit?—suck. But people without real problems go mad and invent things like base jumping and wedding planning. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It’s steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It’s teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They’re suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.
2. It’s important to stay happy. Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don’t have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, “I must stay happy!” Stressful, isn’t it? Now say, “It’s okay to be as sad as I need to be.” This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.
3. I’m irreparably damaged by my past. Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they’re largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing “37 years of emotional baggage.” Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you’re doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that’s been worrying you (“I’ve got to work harder!”) and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.
4. Working hard leads to success. Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...
5. Success is the opposite of failure. Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.
6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.
7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...
8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.
9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.
10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wanna Win, Be a Winner!
1. I am in charge of my destiny.
If you spend your entire career waiting for something exciting to come to you, you will be waiting a long time. Successful professionals go out and make good things happen. So commit yourself to thinking about your career in an entirely different way. You will make it to the top, and you are in charge of making it happen.
2. Anything is possible.
Think that there is no way you will ever be at the vice-president level? Then you definitely won't. Remember: If you think you can't, you probably won't. Adopt the attitude of The Little Engine That Could -- "I think I can."
3. No task is too small to do well.
You never know when you are going to be noticed. That is one reason to take pride in your work -- all of it. One public relations executive in Chicago said that her first task in the PR department of a ballet company was reorganizing the supply closet. She tackled the project with gusto and was immediately noticed for her hard work and attention to detail. Remember this the next time you feel like slacking because you are working on a menial task.
4. Everyone is a potential key contact.
While you do need to be aggressive in the workplace, you can also go far by being nice to those around you. Do you think it's unimportant to establish a good rapport with your boss's secretary? Well, just try getting your meeting squeezed onto the schedule when you really need it. Be courteous to those around you -- you never know when your past contacts will play a role in your future.
5. I was made to do this job... and the one above me.
If you spend your days feeling like you are not cut out to do the work you are responsible for, your performance will suffer. Your job may not be the perfect fit, but successful workers act like they are in their dream job, no matter where they are.
6. It's not just what I know, but who I know.
Successful workers understand the importance of networking, both in and out of the office. You need to proactively establish professional contacts. Invite a colleague out to lunch. Go to the after-work happy hour. Join your professional association. Do your part to establish a networking path for your future.
7. What else can I do?
Since you are in charge of your destiny, it's your job to look for ways to improve your professional self. Volunteer to take on an extra project. Learn a new skill that will make you more marketable. Stay late to help your co-workers. Successful workers don't just complete the job and sign out -- they look for additional ways to make their mark.
8. Failure will help pave the way to my success.
While it seems like some people never experience setbacks, the truth is everyone fails from time to time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is how they deal with failure. Those who find success are the ones who learn from mistakes and move on.
9. I am my own biggest fan.
Have you been waiting for someone in the office to recognize your talents and efforts? Maybe it's time you start tooting your own horn. Step up and talk about your accomplishments and what you have done for the company. Successful workers know how to point out their achievements without sounding boastful.
10. My opportunity monitor is never turned off.
Yes, there will be days when you will want to just be happy with the status quo. But remember that successful workers are always on the lookout for opportunities to improve. Keep your eyes, ears and your mind open to new opportunities -- you never know when you will discover the one that will change the course of your career!
If you spend your entire career waiting for something exciting to come to you, you will be waiting a long time. Successful professionals go out and make good things happen. So commit yourself to thinking about your career in an entirely different way. You will make it to the top, and you are in charge of making it happen.
2. Anything is possible.
Think that there is no way you will ever be at the vice-president level? Then you definitely won't. Remember: If you think you can't, you probably won't. Adopt the attitude of The Little Engine That Could -- "I think I can."
3. No task is too small to do well.
You never know when you are going to be noticed. That is one reason to take pride in your work -- all of it. One public relations executive in Chicago said that her first task in the PR department of a ballet company was reorganizing the supply closet. She tackled the project with gusto and was immediately noticed for her hard work and attention to detail. Remember this the next time you feel like slacking because you are working on a menial task.
4. Everyone is a potential key contact.
While you do need to be aggressive in the workplace, you can also go far by being nice to those around you. Do you think it's unimportant to establish a good rapport with your boss's secretary? Well, just try getting your meeting squeezed onto the schedule when you really need it. Be courteous to those around you -- you never know when your past contacts will play a role in your future.
5. I was made to do this job... and the one above me.
If you spend your days feeling like you are not cut out to do the work you are responsible for, your performance will suffer. Your job may not be the perfect fit, but successful workers act like they are in their dream job, no matter where they are.
6. It's not just what I know, but who I know.
Successful workers understand the importance of networking, both in and out of the office. You need to proactively establish professional contacts. Invite a colleague out to lunch. Go to the after-work happy hour. Join your professional association. Do your part to establish a networking path for your future.
7. What else can I do?
Since you are in charge of your destiny, it's your job to look for ways to improve your professional self. Volunteer to take on an extra project. Learn a new skill that will make you more marketable. Stay late to help your co-workers. Successful workers don't just complete the job and sign out -- they look for additional ways to make their mark.
8. Failure will help pave the way to my success.
While it seems like some people never experience setbacks, the truth is everyone fails from time to time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is how they deal with failure. Those who find success are the ones who learn from mistakes and move on.
9. I am my own biggest fan.
Have you been waiting for someone in the office to recognize your talents and efforts? Maybe it's time you start tooting your own horn. Step up and talk about your accomplishments and what you have done for the company. Successful workers know how to point out their achievements without sounding boastful.
10. My opportunity monitor is never turned off.
Yes, there will be days when you will want to just be happy with the status quo. But remember that successful workers are always on the lookout for opportunities to improve. Keep your eyes, ears and your mind open to new opportunities -- you never know when you will discover the one that will change the course of your career!
Monday, June 14, 2010
I was influenced deeply by the teachings of Coach Wooden. In this spirit here are 7 lessons I learned from him.
1. Success Is All About the Little Things - On the first day of practice Coach Wooden didn't discuss basketball strategy. Believe it or not, he taught his players the proper way to put on their socks and shoes so they didn't get blisters.
2. Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome - Coach Wooden didn't focus on winning. He focused on the character of his team, key fundamentals, daily improvement, effort, potential and selfless teamwork. As a result he won...a lot.
3. There's No Such Thing as an Overnight Success - Wooden was at UCLA 16 years before they won their first national title. Today we live in a world where people expect instant results. If a coach doesn't win a title in a few years he or she is fired. Wooden is a testament that greatness takes time.
4. Selfless Teamwork is Great Teamwork - Wooden said, "A player who makes a team great is much more valuable than a great player."
5. There's Power in Humility - Norman Vincent Peale said that humble people don't think less of themselves. They just think of themselves less. Wooden made his life about coaching, leading and developing others and in doing so exhibited true power.
6. Faith Matters - In our politically correct world where people are afraid to mention God, even though it says it on our dollar bill, I find it interesting how in all the media reports about Wooden they talk positively about how his faith guided his life, principles and actions. There is power in faith. More importantly there is enormous power when your faith moves you to love, serve, inspire, coach and make a difference.
7. Your Legacy Matters - The most important thing you will leave behind when you die is your legacy. And the greatest legacy you can leave is your life, your principles and the lives you touch. Wooden didn't spend his life amassing wealth and trying to make a fortune. He invested in others. And while buildings will fall, jewelry will tarnish and money will get spent, his legacy will live on in those who carry his teachings in their heart.
1. Success Is All About the Little Things - On the first day of practice Coach Wooden didn't discuss basketball strategy. Believe it or not, he taught his players the proper way to put on their socks and shoes so they didn't get blisters.
2. Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome - Coach Wooden didn't focus on winning. He focused on the character of his team, key fundamentals, daily improvement, effort, potential and selfless teamwork. As a result he won...a lot.
3. There's No Such Thing as an Overnight Success - Wooden was at UCLA 16 years before they won their first national title. Today we live in a world where people expect instant results. If a coach doesn't win a title in a few years he or she is fired. Wooden is a testament that greatness takes time.
4. Selfless Teamwork is Great Teamwork - Wooden said, "A player who makes a team great is much more valuable than a great player."
5. There's Power in Humility - Norman Vincent Peale said that humble people don't think less of themselves. They just think of themselves less. Wooden made his life about coaching, leading and developing others and in doing so exhibited true power.
6. Faith Matters - In our politically correct world where people are afraid to mention God, even though it says it on our dollar bill, I find it interesting how in all the media reports about Wooden they talk positively about how his faith guided his life, principles and actions. There is power in faith. More importantly there is enormous power when your faith moves you to love, serve, inspire, coach and make a difference.
7. Your Legacy Matters - The most important thing you will leave behind when you die is your legacy. And the greatest legacy you can leave is your life, your principles and the lives you touch. Wooden didn't spend his life amassing wealth and trying to make a fortune. He invested in others. And while buildings will fall, jewelry will tarnish and money will get spent, his legacy will live on in those who carry his teachings in their heart.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
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